Avoiding Early Relationship Traps
February 11th, 2009 by Suzy in the CityWhile dishing with my roommate about our most recent failed relationships, we came to a staggering conclusion: the first few dates mean everything. They truly do define the course of your relationship. Sure, there is such a thing as a bad first date that will eventually lead to a meaningful relationship, but in dating, first impressions tend to be everything. Don’t believe me? You will after these stories.
Photo by Martin Boulanger
With my last boyfriend, we had a lot of group dates early on. Whether it was a double date with my roommate and her man, or a big group dinner, we rarely spent time alone. After a while, I stopped seeing him as my boyfriend and instead more of a good friend. We fell into “just friends” territory, which suffice to say he wasn’t very happy about. Unfortunately, that lack of bonding and alone time early on in the relationship prevented that sense of intimacy, that is crucial in any relationship. It’s very easy for a relationship to fall by the wayside if you don’t take care of it.
My roommate, on the other end of the spectrum, broke dating rule #1: no sex on the first date. She and her new boy were really into each other and she said it “just felt right”, but the rest of her relationship suffered because of it. He hesitated to call her his girlfriend (even after they had been seeing each other for several months), didn’t always follow through on his promises to call her, and, worst of all, didn’t hide the fact that other girls clearly had him on their speed dials. Yes, my roommate is a moron for putting up with it, but she really didn’t deserve the humiliation of meeting him for a date only to find his face attached to a random hot chick. I realize I sound like my mother with the whole “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” spiel, but it’s true!
There are plenty of other early relationship killers: talking too much about your ex (be it good or bad), being disrespectful to anyone from your waitress to a friend, moving too fast or too slow. And this goes beyond the first date. I dated a guy for a probationary period of 2 months before I decided he was not going to cut it! Everyone knows that people are on their very best behavior when they first start dating…so if you can’t even make it through that without messing up, it’s not saying much for the rest of the relationship.
A good rule of thumb is to go into a relationship with any false pretenses. Be yourself, and be honest about what you expect (within reason). As long as you’re honest and up front about your expectations, you won’t be blindsided, like my roommate.
Great example: my sister met her now-husband six years ago. She told him upfront that she had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and wanted to take things slowly. She didn’t want to ruin the relationship by complaining about her ex all the time. He was really into her, but respected her wishes. They were patient, he was sweet and romantic, and three years later they were married. See, it is possible to be honest!
Do you have any instances where the first few dates made or ruined the relationships?
Tags: dating, Dating Tips, Sex
