Fighting, Bickering and Arguing, or: How Not to Maintain a Relationship

April 2, 2009 | Relationships by Suzy in the City

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Even the happiest, healthiest relationships run into their snags now and again. By nature, people argue, and when you spend a lot of time with one person, you’ll lose your cool every now and again. I had one boyfriend with whom I had a very intense relationship. We argued about the tiniest, most insignificant details of life, but when we weren’t fighting, life was good. Very good. Eventually the fighting ended the relationship, but for the last few months of the relationship, I kept a log of some of the insane things we argued about. I’m publishing it here as sort of a cautionary tale. I guess these should have been warning signs, huh?

Photo: Guido Alvarez

The tube of toothpaste in our bathroom. I always pushed from the back, he always pushed from the front. Drove me insane to the point where I had to put a sticker on the end of the toothpaste saying “Start Here!”
Whether or not to use the one or two knives when making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He insisted on using two, even if I would clean the knife after applying the jelly before diving into the peanut butter. If he found out I made a sandwich with only one knife, he would dramatically get up to make another.
The fastest way to get home from the mall. When I actually timed each way and discovered I was right, he gave me the silent treatment for about 6 hours.
Best speed to leave the ceiling fan on. I suggested the medium speed, but if it wasn’t on high, he’d complain about the heat every 13.2 seconds.
How often to change the filter in our water pitcher. The company says about 2-3 months, but he was convinced it was a ploy to get consumers to spend more money. We went a year and a half without changing ours. I drank bottled water.
Similarly, how often to fill up our water pitcher. It doesn’t do much good to me if I go to pour a glass of water and there is approximately 4 millimeters of water left in the pitcher.
The thermostat. To the point where there was a one degree discrepancy.
When to pay our bills. I usually wanted to pay them right away, but he would deliberately wait until the last minute because he didn’t want to be taken advantage of. Needless to say, this led to many late bills.
Where to cut toenails. He thought it was appropriate to cut them on the coffee table when we were watching a movie. Clearly I thought otherwise.
Video games. Now, I rarely play video games, but since he was a gamer I often indulged and got involved just to spend time with him. Since I wasn’t an active gamer, he got furious, and I mean furious, if I ever beat him. He would blame it on something (anything really - glitch in the game, he was hungover, he hurt his thumb at work - you get the picture) and then refuse to play with me for weeks.
Cooking in the kitchen. Didn’t matter if he was cooking, I was cooking - he was always underfoot. He would always be right behind me to the point where I would step on his feet or accidentally spill pots of hot water on him (true story) because he just could not manage to not be exactly where I needed to be. Of course, no matter what, this was my fault.
Food shopping was always a great source of debate. Strangely enough he was meticulous about coupons. He would save every coupon he could find, even if it was only to save 10 cents. If we desperately needed soap and he had forgotten our “buy one get one 10% off” coupon, we simply had to wait.
Ridiculous colloquialisms. Where he is from, they call soda “pop” and sprinkles “jimmies”. Now, I understand that where he’s from, these are accepted and oft spoken. However I had to draw the line when a friend asked for a soda while at our apartment and he pretended not to understand until she said “pop”.
He consistently disagreed that it took him longer to get out of the house in the morning than it took me. One morning we tested it out, and the only reason we were ready at precisely the same time is because I had to battle with him for a few minutes in front of the mirror.
Leaving his dirty clothes everywhere. Everywhere. I mean everywhere. I can handle a couple shirts and a pair of jeans on the floor, but when I’m finding dirty socks in the pantry, there’s a problem.
The amount of time spent playing video games. Like I said earlier, he would refuse to play with me once I beat him (or came too close for comfort), but that didn’t stop him from playing. I timed it once: he played 3 hours and 42 minutes without saying a word to me while I was sitting right next to him reading.
Politics. Now, this may be a common thing for people to argue about, as people have very strong convictions. We quickly learned the issues important to one another, but that never stopped him from incessantly emailing me article that sufficiently supported his point of view with snarky little notes like “Ha-ha” or “Who was right this time?”
His complete inability to comfort me when I was upset. Several times I came home from a long, stressful day at work and just burst into tears, hoping for a hug or some comforting words. Well, if I didn’t immediately tell him what was wrong, he would get defensive and say “Well I don’t know what you’re mad at *me*!” Once I did tell him, if he didn’t think it was worth getting upset over, he would argue with me. While I was still crying.
Locking the door to our apartment. Apparently, our furniture and valuables were worth nothing to him. I don’t think he locked the door once.
Watching movies. I always try to find a compromise when choosing a movie, but if he didn’t get to watch the one he wanted, he would make sure I knew it. He even went as far as looking up the synopsis of a thriller online, and 90 minutes into the movie said “He’s the one who did it”, just to be a jackass.
How we spent money. I will admit that I do like to shop, but when I was accused of being a “wild, reckless spender” for purchasing $40 bath mats (which we desperately needed) and he freely bought $550 Jets tickets, I don’t think I was the biggest threat to our bank account.
The best way to core an apple. Yes, there is more than one way. No, it doesn’t matter.
Shampoo. I noticed that I was going through my shampoo (which I buy special at a salon) much faster than usual. I asked him if he used it, he said no. I experimented and stopped using it for a week. It was empty.