Live To Fight Another Day
January 26th, 2009 by adminInto every relationship, some rain must fall. We all fight (some of us more than others). How you fight can determine whether it will eventually end your relationship. There’s an art to a good argument. Just remember that you love (or like, or lust after, whatever) this person and you don’t want the relationship to end. Here’s what not to do during an argument:
1. The past is the past. Leave it there. My ex used to bring up things I did before I ever met him. Evidently, if you’ve done something questionable once, you are tainted by its stench for life. That’s why he’s my ex. Enough said.
2. Stick to the subject. If you’re fighting about one thing, Don’t throw in anything else. “You stood me up. You don’t have any respect for me”. “I didn’t stand you up on purpose, my train was stuck on the tracks for two hours and I had no service. Didn’t you see it on the news”? “Well, you’re flirting with that girl in your office!” – yeah, that makes no sense. It just says you’re mad and you need something to fight about.
3. Allow your partner to speak. Don’t just yell, let him answer and listen to what he is saying (this is a difficult one to master, I still struggle with it). I know you want to make sure he understands your position, but if you’re trying to talk over each other, it is only noise.
4. Don’t bring anyone else into it. “You’re exactly like your mother” has never clarified any argument for anyone. Besides, you never want to insult mom. That’s just bad policy altogether.
5. Don’t go into the twilight zone. He’s lecturing, and Elvis has left the building…the lights are on but nobody is home. You know what I’m talking about. You’ve heard it so many times that you know where to nod and mumble “uh-huh”. If you don’t want to hear it, say so, and suggest you discuss it later, once you’ve both calmed down.
6. Don’t channel TV characters. Fred Flintstone is not a relationship coach.
7. Check your emo at the door. You don’t need to get all maudlin and dramatic to make your point.
8. Don’t make threats you know you can’t back up. If you say “Walk out that door and it’s over”, it better be over. Empty threats weaken your position for the next time. And there will be a next time.
9. Watch for patterns. What triggers your arguments? I had a friend whose boyfriend came home spoiling for a fight the day before Mother’s Day – every year. Until she saw the pattern and talked to him about it. Turned out he felt guilty because he’d left his home state to move in with her after college, and the thought of his mother alone on Mother’s Day broke his heart…but not consciously. Once they figured it out, the behavior stopped.
10. Don’t text a play-by-play with video to your girlfriends during the argument. In fact, wait until it’s over and you have regained perspective before telling your friends and family anything. If it’s not the end, trust me, the people who love you will have smoldering resentment for a long time to come. If you wind up sticking together, smoldering resentment is hard to overcome.
11. No name-calling! Just don’t. There’s no reason to go there except to hurt.
12. Avoid personal insults. Do you honestly think telling her she’s fat is going to help you make your point…really? That would be a no.
The negative emotions generated by fighting dirty are cumulative. Every nasty fight pushes the needle on the relationship meter closer to from “fantastic” to “over it”…which will eventually result in your partner calling it a day.
What you should do is calm yourself before discussing something that you know will make you angry. Then approach your partner in a non-aggressive way and ask to talk rationally about what’s bothering you. Word your concerns carefully, without accusations, and ask for a response. A good relationship is all about trust, respect, and communication, and a good argument should end with resolving the issue.
Do you have any more tips that can help all of us control our arguments? Let me know.
