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Sex is all up here for women [taps head]. You’ve heard that before, but do you know what it means? It’s definitely not the same for men, they can be in the middle of an argument about who’s going to clean up dog poop and get horny (seen it). For us women, every minute of the day counts towards the “mood.” So get our your score cards and start tallying up points for the big win.
Photo by Wikimedia Commons, edited
Start early. First thing in the morning:
Get up early and make me coffee: 1 point
Make only one cup for yourself: -1 point
Leave the dirty cup in the sink: -1 point
And the empty pot on the burner: -5 points
Fix me breakfast: 1 points
Bring me breakfast in bed: 10 points
Add a flower to my tray: 1 point
It’s pancakes and I’m on a low carb diet: -3 points
Use the last of the eggs to make breakfast for yourself: -5 points
Leave the dirty dishes: -8 points
On the table: -10 points
Hug me goodbye: 1 point
10 second romantic squeeze: 5 points
One armed, holding your briefcase: -1 point
Look at your watch during hug: -1 point
Give me a kiss (like you really mean it): 3 point
Use tongue: -3 points
Cop a feel: -5 points
Call me during the day: 1 point
Ask about my day (and listen): 2 points
Talk only about yourself: -3 points
In third person: -5 points
Start an argument: -10 points
Call me 37 more times: -20 points
You get home first. When I walk in the door, I find:
You in the kitchen cooking dinner: 20 points
Aftermath of blender or microwave explosion: -20 points
Every plate in the house dirty: -5 points
Even the cat bowl: -8 points
You on the couch watching football, eating peanuts: -10 points
Out of the cat bowl: -15 points
I say “I had a rough day.”
You answer ” Forget about it. Let me get you a cup of tea and rub your shoulders”: 20 points
You miss my shoulders and massage my breasts: -8 points
You answer “You? My job is way harder than yours”: -10 points
Then you expound on how hard your job is for 30 minutes: -15 points
And tell me that I’m lucky my job is so easy in comparison: -20 points
Finish with “What’s for dinner?”: -25 points
Offer to provide dinner: 1 point
Make it yourself: 20 points
Takeout: 0 points
Fast food: -3 points
Expect me to clean up: -8 points
Take me out to dinner: 1 point
Not to a sports bar: 2 points
To a sports bar: -3 points
While the game is on: -5 points
Your buddies are there: -8 points
And your ex-girlfriend: -10 points
Who just had a boob job: -15 points
You jump up, shout GO TEAM! And knock my food into my lap: -20 points
You suggest I get a cab home to clean up so you can watch the end of the game: -30 points
I’m in the kitchen putting things away. When I bend over to take the dishes from the bottom rack:
You offer to help and start pitching in: 5 points
You grab my hips and grind: -10 points
Knocking me off balance so I hit my head on the counter: -20 points
Breaking the dish I was holding: -22 points
Then tell me that my balance would improve if I got more exercise: -25 points
I ask: Does this dress make me look fat?
You say “You look beautiful”: 10 points
Without turning your head to look: -5 points
You hesitate before answering: -2 points
You say “you look fine”: -8 points
You say “It’s not the dress that makes you look fat. It’s the fat that makes you look fat”: -45 points
Then you giggle like an 8 year old at your own cleverness: -5 points
One thing you should know before you suit up: game points are cumulative and the game never ends. As soon as you score a goal, you should start adding up points for the next big score. Notice that it’s a lot easier to lose points than to get them. I never said this game was going to be fair.
How do you score?
